Your Next Computer:

Will be something like this, in a post-tablet world:

1) It will be a necklace.

2) It will record everything you see and do.

3) The massive collection of data will be entirely in The Cloud, which will be the new name of the former state of New Jersey once the federal government cites eminent domain to fill every acre with servers.

4) A considerable percent of the public will become neo-Luddites, and not be lame.

Why a necklace? Because computing no longer will require an interface. The next generation will never know what being alone is like, nor be without the answer to anything known. The computer will provide instant access to all information instantaneously. Programs will raise children fluent in 500 languages, but who no longer have cause to form memory of any kind.

Can’t find your keys? Your computer tells you they’re in your other pants (and immortalized in The Cloud).

That is: We will finally be able to Google reality.

5) AND THAT IS! Computers could be used to continuously reveal humans’ lies, their motivation for any given action (to get laid), their self-serving recollections of past events, etc etc.

Which would result in everyone killing everyone.

6) SO MAYBE THEY CAN COMMUNICATE ONLY WITH ONE HUMAN! Since the human-computer necklace combo creates a cyborg of superhuman ability, we’re in for SuperHitler.

And then everyone kills everyone.

7) IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

8) OR MAYBE ALL “BAD” BEHAVIOR ENDS! No one can get away with stealing, lying, adultery, nonprescription drugs possession, ad infinitum. Not because their computer is a rat, but because The NSA Loves You and recommends Victory Gin!

And everybody kills themselves.

9) Computer necklaces are as cheap as current necklaces, which just hang there.

Despite this, brown people in the US will lag their white peers significantly in necklace ownership, even when corrections are made for disparity in the desire to own them.

10) Africa: Windows 7 in every village!

11) I’m scaring myself and don’t want to touch this computer anymore.

12) Leading cause of death, 2025: Summary execution, drone strike.

Naturally, in the US this death will occur to an amazingly higher percentage of brown people, earlier in their lives, than to whites.

13) Merry christmas.

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