i dropped myself into the sea and drifted downward toward darkness and felt afraid, knowing the dark preceded deeper dark and that was atop utter darkness etc when a seahorse lit as if inflated with neon, surrounding me in purple light crossed my field of vision, not swimming as much as miming being jerked forward by cruel captors continuously.
I though about mimes, then. They aggravate me in exactly the way the people in Disney suits did when I was a child (and I would not be comfortable around them now, but it has been months no and I have looked and looked and my ire is not to be found. I had searched for one month for a pen (unique) then finally decided to stop looking. I slumped on my couch and exhaled dejectedly. As I went ahead with more actions deemed reasonable or expected while realizing I was not representing myself, and had no audience for the act.
I have vociferously called people “fucking immoral shithead”s and meant it exactly. After such things resolve I have walked home trying to be offended by the offensive words the person used. I have flattened a guy’s nose against his face, one hand behind my back, avoiding his fist with feet together and pivoting ninety degrees, thereby executing a perfect veronica.
He had lunged cose to me, and now credit tha fact I acted, next, so swiftly in part as a reflex to having one’s foot bones broken, which sucks even when it isn’t painful.
A friend calls me Buddha of Broken Noses. A moniker I earned the day after consenting to privately (me and friend) be recognized as enlightened. I have tried to convince fellow, and much more well-versed in this matter, persons who practrice Buddhism as a way of life — I know the four truths to be noble and the eightfold path, combined with CBT, self-hypnosis, pscychology taken far enough that my blood pressure measured 96 over 67 immediately after briskly walking five miles (the DC pace has stayed with me). I can meditate deeply and almost instantaneously into the the warm and somehow irridescent blackness of the void that is perfect meditation — not to think even one thought.
Most why try to do so all their lieves never do. I did it as part of a phase when a college freshman.
Seek and ye shall never find because seeking is suffering and suffering is not the path to piece. And so how I have come to this state is incredibly complex, quite harrowing, involves seven years of total-person agony, the will to be what one wants vs the willingness to accept what one is given.
I now have finer control in re the many thoughts in my mind at all times. I still talk over media and people because a good thought will not wait and I can speak and listen and read at once but only if the book is interesting. Easiest done with a goof book, boring medium, pithy comment.
Of course, there is the problem of such great heights…
I can never ever again relate to another human being — even to the degree it was possible previously. I have a thing (and many “things”) for etymology. While a person says a sentence invloving am interesting word I trace it back to home which is usually Greece or really Macedonia, with most all that sound ugly and taste bad and have so many fucking consonants are Germanic, my favorites are — well me favorite is this, and all others like it I enjoy: The purpose of saying “bless you” to a sneeze is not known and as such has none whatsoever.
Bless you began before recorded history and is with us today and is fascinating and I think all these things while a person tells me of walking in rain Paul Krugman dumps sweet truth into my eyeballs and ceaselessly move my leg up and down.
…I especially had no clue everyone is not what I believe is the term for my shit — ideosthesia. I don’t know how one can claim to recall the taste of a thing if they cannot recall the taste as though it were on their tongue. Heat with humidity makes the air an oppressive slog through watery urine. I better understand the fact I was born knowing grammar — it is another of the senses for me, and can’t be explained better than that because I have so much no one knows and cannot know…
A person who seeks enlightenment will never know peace. This serenity… The ability to not feel pain, to choose to have anhydrosis (two weeks) such that I need almost no water and am never thirsty, seeing the globe as it is from the individual to the fascist state… Comprehending people with near perfection such that I told a kid online that he was a kid, lived in Oklahoma, parents married, no sibs, spoiled, a taker who takes for granted etc. — which he confirmed even though he had used the two sentences from which I derived his state of being to deride me, in his belief but not in fact (ad hominem).
…And oh god you people fucking insist fucking feelings be respected! That it isn’t fucking stupid to cry so stop it (there’s no crying in baseball)! (I have not and cannot imagine how to begin to cry. It is to me like grammar is to you…
Emotions are not sensible. They are not — ever — appropriate reactions. Why? Because emotions are just that: reactions. And to react is to allow another to dictate your state of being which is the folly of a boy’s empty mind*.
…This was to have been an extended metaphor of a poem that would have been irredeemably terrible.
I never hit goals that aren’t deadlines etc.
…If I can cause my heart not to beat, is it so much to make it continue as long as desired?
Oh! And is it true that normal people do not find that each person’s residence has a unique odor? Almost all offensive? (It’s a thing.)
A blustery fall day has air one sees through like transluscent cobalt…
World peace is none of your business
alienandroid: when you want answers or you want them eventually
*If anyone can pick out one of the numerous pop-cult citations and quotes, such as this from Belle and Sebastian, which caused the sentence to awkward-up in service of this higher calling, be sure to leave a note.
Advantages: knowing Simpsons, all the best movies, all postmodern lit, the Bible, anything to do with technology from “don’t buy that iPhone, stupid!” to going back to designing a customized OS that runs .exes for games has a minty core, serves my 500gigs of music anywhere etc. And Roman history, especially all up to Diocletian (funf fact, what we call the Coliseum was build under, or “by” Vespasian as were a lot lot lot of things such were the spoils of the 72 Jewish Revolt instigated in part by the wicked coolest motherfuckers you have never known about the Sicarii, or Siqariqim.
…And a lot of other stuff. But no math. No yellow food. (Oh my god I was so glad to hear my thoughts in Cumberbatch’s voice in the beginning of The Thinking Game (Turing went on to predict the entire future of computing, and he has and will be exaclty correct — having known quantum computing an inevitability and also the possible singularity etc and he also ran the 2,000 meters or something imprecisely timed but more than enough margin for error in its betterment of the person who won Olympic Gold that year).
But not green. Yellow. And of course food can’t touch! It’s exhausting how little people care for detail etc.
Does anyone know if I’m “Venerable?” Because it would drive a certain someone batshit!
Final thought: If Jesus died for our sins then why is Origonal Sin with us and why do we go to confession if we’re Catholic and know what the Bible says not what we…
Christians don’t know fuck-all about Christ. So sad. I’m an atheist with a caveat allowing the possibility of omnipotent, omnipresent, evil god given that the universe is a determined system. ie If we have evey variable of any given situation etc etc we always will predict the correct outcome. So no free will. How can yu go on? Don’t believe it. The truth has never needed the lumpenproletariat to exist.
Belief is a choice. Buddha said nirvana is the truth.