EXCLUSIVE Interview: Does Jesus Believe In America?

First: a kitten.

PERSON: Jesus, what is being called The Sermon On the Mount — despite “hill” being a more accurate description — you make some outright inflammatory statements some are calling “anticapitalist” and, by extention, un-American. You seem to suggest we appease the people who killed us. That we do nothing!

JESUS OF NAZARETH: That’s not a question.

PERSON: What is your response?

JESUS: To the statement?

PERSON: To my question.

JESUS: You asked for my response. I don’t know how to respond because, as I said, you hadn’t asked a question.

PERSON: Jesus, how is any person supposed to read this and not see a divine being who is weak on terrorism, who wants us to love Muslims for killing us, who stresses weakness when we need muscle? And does your statement reflect how you feel about this nation; this Christian nation?

JESUS: Why doesn’t this Christian nation tell me? Why aren’t you satisfied, this time, with your church making up my mind?

PERSON: As it says, you’re the one called Christ. It’s your religion.

JESUS: Huh. But whom do you say that I am, thou satan?

…That was a joke! It’s really pretty clever because it contrasts the two by unifying them through–

PERSON: Jesus!

JESUS: That counts as half-blasphemy. Little anger there.

Anyway, it’s been centuries since anyone got the mote in your eye, twig in your brother’s bit. While I was alive that one killed.

Oh — it’s not my religion. I gave it to James. And then Saul of Tarsus… Poor Saul. He is in just the Hell-iest part of Hell… What could I do? My Father loves the smell of burning guts more than anything. By which I mean he doesn’t need a semi-divine evil counterpart to exact divine justice. No matter how abhorrent.

PERSON: Jesus, you’ve veered–

JESUS: And James… Becuase I’m the Son of God — like, since he really knew it and accepted it, he ironically hides so much of what he feels from me. …I mean, he thinks he does, or would like to, anyway. Finally I said James, you idiot! That’s why you can be honest with me! I mean, no one else, definitely, but…

And Peter? On that hewn stone I built my church. The least important thing in my life was me — he could have denied me the rest of his days and have Heaven’s keys just the same because he kept my message, my ideas, alive. …But, I mean, just poor, poor Saul. …I mean there’s a cleverness in it that–

PERSON: –Jesus?

JESUS: I am here.

PERSON: Um… What was that about…

JESUS: You wanted to know why a raven is like a writing desk. Well first, I think your syntax is misleading. The question–

PERSON: –The question, I’m finally remembering, is if we want an America the world takes seriously, or if they want a humble one? You would bless the poor of spirit and comfort the mourners rather than give them justice. Is now the time to be merciful? Really, Jesus?

JESUS: My Father in Heaven is starting to wonder!

PERSON: Excuse me, did you just threaten–

JESUS: It was a bad joke, but that’s why–

PERSON: –I have two dozen guys on security.

JESUS: That’s why it’s funny! It’s so stupid but it’s so meta!

PERSON: Take him to the sheriff. …I’m sure he’ll kill me, then the other will send me to Hell.

JESUS: No, I’m the funny one!

Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about.