Exclusive: Jesus Addresses Abortion!

QUESTION: Jesus, you have gotta be psyched for abortion to be criminalized in the US, thanks to–

JESUS: No one says “psyched” unless they’re making a joke of it.

QUESTION: Well I obviously do, so–

JESUS: It dates you.

QUESTION: Like that rag you showed up in?

JESUS: Being eternal, nevermind heaven is heaven for you guys — but the godheads that make it happen… I tend to my flock’s eternal souls and lost track of fashion.

QUESTION: …Right. …So can you tell us how this miracle–


QUESTION: Happy, Jesus?

JESUS: I am very happy!

QUESTION: To see this country rid of abortion!

JESUS: …No, generally. More precisely, always.

QUESTION: Jesus… Yes ot no: Abortion is good.

JESUS: The Gospels represent my ideas quite well. I addressed this as much as I thought it merited with the — it wasn’t twelve disciples, it was like fifty guys… Always a dozen who left when they discovered I didn’t change all water to wine all the time.

QUESTION: Jesus, answer the question!

JESUS: I said all I wanted to long ago, as accurately represented in the Gospels.

QUESTION: I’m being told you don’t address abortion at all in The Bible.

JESUS: When one asks to be forgiven as they forgive, few realize they are beseeching me to treat them with *their* mercy. I am omnibenevolent. I forgave my murderers as I was being murdered. But the Nicene Creed is a noose you strangle both of us with.


JESUS: OK, I think we got it! One take! … Where are my rags?