You can’t do this

Well no, technically I can’t ’cause I did it. It’s done. Over. Bye!

No, I mean you can’t be doing this… You wouldn’t.

Wouldn’t because I can’t? Because I already did.

Are you fucking happy?

You will be too soon enough. Best way over a breakup is to get laid immediately.

What drug are you on?

Not even stoned–

Then why aren’t you you?

I–

We had so much fun last night. Then we broke so much shit in the bedroom, you whispered in my ear as I–

Yeah it was great. You’re great. I’m not.

So what?

Jon I gotta go.

No you don’t. Literally nor figuratively. We never do shit on Saturdays until three-ish.

Well maybe that’s the problem.

But it isn’t. It’s nonsense.

And this is love it doesn’t make–

Is love. Present tense.

Relationships don’t make sense.

Yes they do. Love doesn’t make sense because it’s follie a deux, characterized b–

Just shut up Jonathan. OK. Shut up.

Bye.

It was the first time you said that! To anyone! Now — nothing?

How would you know I’d never–

I know you. So well. And I’d just begun my studies. I hoped to devote my life to researching you.

You’re not a Jen savant?

You know how I read, usually, yeah?

It’s not reading it’s seeing.

Keep making those comments, I’ll keep summarizing the paper after I “see” it.

You’re so annoying.

You like it Sunday mornings.

I do like them.

So if I “see” the paper then I read a book.

Like a flipbook.

This is the worst fucking metaphor…

Oh sh! I get it.

But you — I don’t want to finish this book.

Oh my God you suck!

I made my internal monologue sound like Clive Owen! Everything sounds smooth in here! Oh wow is that a huge regret… But even if Clive said it, I thought it. Gotta own it. …So let’s crack open that book, shall we?

Doubling down! You are so stupid and you are not funny!

Yeah it’s weird how you roll around giggling abhout — oh yeah, it’s objectively not funny. Which is hilarious!

…Oh God I hate you. You’re making me so fucking stupid and lame.

I’m creating the perfect woman, then…

Ohmygod I think I can finally breathe…

The panic attack is winding down!

Not funny!

I know. Come here.

Hey!

What?

Why did I just walk right in like a zombie? Did you brainwash me in my sleep?

Of course. But that has nothing to do with this.

I fucking hate you babe.

You’re scared. You’d have been terrified if I said it first. Especially if I said then.

HAH! That day in Dupont Circle!

Fuck you!

So much smarter than you!

It was perfect.

Yeah.

And that would have ruined everything.

Yeah.

Why?

Because.

OK.

…But it wouldn’t ruin anything had you said it back… By now! It’s fucking noon!

It’s been bitten back so many times I think it’s learned helplessness. It won’t even try to come–OUT! OW!

Dropped and pinned, pussy! Your next words better be the right ones or–

FUCK! I DO NOT love the chick with the windwill arms! — DUDE! –HEY — MY EYE — AAAH!

Ah! No … way … Oh fuck you!

And who’s on top now? And who’s the pussy?

Me and you, respectively.

You’re not on top.

But you are the pussy.

I am the pussy, yeah.

Jen I love you. You’re so frustrating.

So difficult?

Nothing about you ever is easy.

And you like that.

No.

What?

I love that.

But I make you touch your head — you stim when you’re uneasy or when you have fewer than three thoughts going at once.

That day I accidentally understood how to get everything with a battery on the network?

You get… enraptured.

I love you.

You are the nerdiest dork!

You know what you’re doing.

You love big words.

I do. Smart is hot.

Would I be ugly if I were stupid?

I wouldn’t have noticed you if you were stupid. I don’t know if someone is attractive until I know them.

You talk to people for five seconds before you’re hugging them or walking away while they’re talking, asshole!

People — other people — well, shoes tell 80% of what you need to know. Then you wait for them to speak. Silence is uncomfortable for normal people, so their excited utterance to a stranger, clothes, posture… Easy as words.

You kissed me before I said a single word!

To me. But you know I can’t tune anything out — so I heard your defense of Machiavelli–

Was it a defense?

…Oh, no it wasn’t. You said “How about the one person who’s read him and knows the context aaaannnd the frat boys flee! Dear God, those breasts have a brain!”

That wasn’t a bad line. But your delivery almost ruined it!

Oh my God!

What babe? You OK?

You hadn’t read Machiavelli!

Then how was I so Machiavellian?

You’re evil.

That’s not the same.

No you’re evil for making me figure that out!

You never peeked at a single Christmas present. You– Kissed me like that after you dragged me outside the party!

Dragged. Wearing a leopard skin and — I still can’t believe I forgot my wifing club!

[SIMULTANEOUSLY}: We stared into one another’s eyes for…

Forever.

And then you kissed me.

You weren’t the only caveman.

Jen…

Jon…

It’s too late to leave.

No, it’s quarter to three.

I wanna stay in.

I’m scared too.

I’m terrified.

I’m peeing myself. Right now.

Ahh! Get off!

Throw me off. –FUCK! I say that shit and halfway through is when it hits me that you always take me up on invitations to do violence to my person.

I could say that in five words.

Or you could shut up.

You can’t make me.

We’ll never know ’cause I’ll never try…

OH MY GOD! That is the worst EVER! And you’re taking my shirt off like you deserve to after–Ah!

I am very interested in how loud you can be, however.

…Saved it! Take your fucking pants off!

I hate you!

I’m leaving!