Say it with emoji!

Smiley face: “I am not amused enough to write Ha!”

All emoji are sarcastic or passive aggressive. If a person feels anything about anything this phrase covers them all:

Oh my God!

Just gave birth? Oh my God!

Do I like it? Oh my God!

Is that a picture of your lunch? Oh my God!

You killed again? Oh my God?

You’re God? Oh my God!

And so on.


I tapped a rack of them. If they’re not all expressing the sentiment Oh my God! Then they’re happy.

If the person was happy, they’d say so. Instead they spent half an hour finding the one with those sunglasses giving two things up because what has two thumbs and doesn’t care? Not the person who cared enough to send the perfect smiley!

Maybe you’re not a human thesaurus, but responding to a joke with a smiley means the icon lived it. You are a good and honest disingenuous person and couldn’t write LOL!

Emoji: When you care just enough to do the very least.

Trademark πŸ˜‰

The face says …I dunno I’m autistic. (Me, the author. I can’t ascertain which is the Pardon my inability to parse the meaning of this smiley face, which began life as mockery of bliss through willful ignorance. )

The eye patch says: I have an eye injury or maybe just a socket behind here.

An emoji says, at most: Message received. I can’t express how smiling I am. But whoa! Eye patch? That is exactly what’s up!

Pirate smiles you guys! Fucking pirate smiles because you fucking deserve it!

(It’s insulting. A heartfelt Fuck you is better than pirate smiles because true hate is what happens to love, which normals feel and unfeel so easily they 😢.

Am I right?

Only the emoji knows. And he’s dead because he has nothing to breath with.

Kidding. It never was alive so it cannot die. Or do anything.

–“Do something pretty while you can.” Stuart Murdoch, Belle and Sebastian

Where’s the emoji with the filthy laugh? The emoji from Arab Strap?