TODAY I ASKEWD THE ORGANIZING PRINCIPLE TO DISCUSS HOW NEWS HAS CHANGED IN MY LIFETIME. A CHILD WITH A STUFFED TIGER EXITED THE TRANSMOGRIFIER.
CALVIN: I’m Calvin and this is–
CALVIN: You can ask him yourself!
CALVIN: Tigers love tuna fish.
ME: Calvin, tell it–
CALVIN: We know our other name.
ME: –and I prefer it! Don’t fuck with Calvin and Hobbes! Making a Calvin not organized by “be Calvin” is — There’s the Calvin pissing sticker… And this, this!
CALVIN AND HOBBES ENTER TRANSMOGRIFIER. TWO SUITS EXIT. TWO SUITS EXIT. ONE SMOKES.
ME: WHO ARE WE?
ME: Same thing.
JOURNALISM: I am a practice, a calling, a service, the organizing principle of the nation, the check and balance of every branch of government–
NEWS: We’re all going to die! …OK, you’re finally looking at me! To determine who I am we’ll need a representative of both sides to weigh in and–
ME: You’re disgusting.
NEWS: Eventually. We’re all going to die eventually. You begin the sentence to begin the half-hour and mumble that in at minute 27-ish.
JOURNALISM: No I think she’s pretty with all that makeup! You want a nip — pretty boy or an ugly girl…
ME: Easy! …Yeah the drinking didn’t go anywhere. …Whoooo…
JOURNALISM: OK, so I discover, report, investigate and copy will fill out the rest, I report the facts and find the truth of the matter at hand. And I’m only staying as long as I’ve got cigarettes. …So you got that much time.
ME: Used to chain those things. Stopped my antidepressant and now — Now I’m thinking about reorganizing my principles.
NEWS: Your Journalism never was.
ME: It was a thing you lived up to as best you could by deadline.
JOURNALISM: Oh look I’m out of smokes–
ME: There were ten!
JOURNALISM: I’m done dressing you up so you can talk to yourself.
NEWS: The concept… If you weren’t so tired, maybe — No. No one can do Calvin and Hobbes but Watterson.
ME: It’s just that I miss them. And I miss you.
JOURNALISM: What is this — are trying — he’s trying to hug me! You want the other one!
ME: Stop. Oh my God I do not in any way, shape or form want that one!
NEWS: You can’t know for sure until representatives of the two controlling political parties weigh in.
ME: This is so fucking broad. Let’s put a pin in it. Shut it down.
JOURNALISM: Shut it down!
NEWS: Shut it down forever!
ME: One reference a few will get. One just for me.
JOURNALISM: It’s not a good movie.
ME: First time a movie really felt like a comic book.
NEWS: Graphic novel.
ME: No one ever says that. …And that wasn’t done — in American cinema, because Japan…
JOURNALISM: You get him to bed. I’m gonna transmogrify into screw this.
NEWS: Wait if you’re tired, we’re Fukuyama. Wait no… You have everything wrong. The transmogrifier creates individual things. What–
ME: He thnk into your head.
NEWS: And… He’s imprisoned? By you? And I don’t kill you?
ME: The douche or the machine?
NEWS: Both of us would kill you. Calvin and Hobbes would have a Sunday debate flying down a hill to ultimate peril…
ME: Charlie Brown is the fucking worst…
NEWS: Now we can rest. We’ve alienated lots of people. No upside.
ME: Is that a marketing term? Because I don’t know that.